Hangry Is Not An Excuse
“Sorry. I was hangry.” We laugh because we understand it. Most of us have experienced the remarkable deterioration of our personality when lunch is three hours late.
But…while hunger may explain why I became irritable, it doesn’t give me permission to make everyone around me pay for it.
Somewhere along the way, our culture has become increasingly skilled at naming the reasons we behave badly.
We are “hangry,” “triggered,” “stressed,” “overstimulated,” “exhausted,” “burned out,” “anxious,” or just “having a bad day.”
Some of that language represents real progress. We understand more today about emotional health, trauma, stress, fatigue, mental load, and the physiological factors that influence our behavior. That understanding can help us recognize what’s happening inside us before it comes spilling out onto everyone around us.
But there is a danger hiding inside all that increased understanding - the fact that the explanation can be twisted into an excuse.
There are behaviors we openly tolerate today that previous generations would have called out as rude and unacceptable.
Again, the condition may be very real. But maturity requires us to make a distinction between understanding our behavior and excusing it.
And our role as purpose driven servant leaders raises the bar on what we should expect from one another – because the greater your influence, the more people experience the consequences of your unmanaged emotions.
A frustrated employee might affect one or two people, but a frustrated executive can change the atmosphere of an entire organization.
People begin watching the leader instead of doing their work. What mood is she in today? Is this a good time to bring this up? Should I challenge that decision? Will I get the thoughtful version of him or the irritated version?
Eventually, people learn to manage the leader instead of helping lead the organization. That’s not healthy (obviously).
One of the great responsibilities of adulthood is learning that, though we don’t control everything that happens inside us, we are responsible for how we respond to and handle it.
You may not choose to feel irritated, but you choose whether irritation becomes cruelty.
I may not choose to feel overwhelmed, but I do choose whether overwhelm becomes disrespect.
He may not choose the disappointment, but he does choose whether his disappointment leads to collateral damage.
For the Christian leader, self-control is so much more than good manners. It’s part of our spiritual formation.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. – Galatians 5:22 – 23
Notice self-control isn’t on some list of optional personality traits. It is evidence of the Spirit's work within us.
That doesn’t mean spiritually mature leaders never become angry, tired, irritated, disappointed, impatient, or overwhelmed. But I do believe it means those conditions don’t get unlimited authority to run rough-shod over our behavior.
In fact, one of the clearest demonstrations of spiritual maturity manifests when everything inside us wants to react one way…and we deliberately choose another.
Not because we are pretending. Because we are being formed into the likeness of Christ.
Self-control begins with self-awareness. Sometimes the most mature thing a leader can say is: “Sorry, I’m a bit more frustrated than I realized.” Or, “I’m tired, and I probably shouldn’t make this decision right now.” Or, “I want to respond thoughtfully, but I need a few minutes.”
That is responsible, healthy leadership.
When you are aware of your state of being, you have a choice of approach:
“I’m exhausted, so everyone just needs give me space and tolerate whatever comes out of my mouth.”
“I am exhausted, so I need to be particularly careful about how I engage with people today.”
The first transfers responsibility. The second owns it. And knowing our condition allows us to compensate for it.
Eat something. Take a walk. Delay the email. Ask for ten minutes. Sleep on the decision. Pray before the conversation. Maybe even invite someone you trust to tell you when your tone is beginning to communicate something you don’t intend.
Small disciplines can prevent unnecessary damage.
And when you get it wrong, make it right! Because none of us will do this perfectly.
Dr. Rob McKenna recently shared an idea that stuck with me. He teaches that, among other things:
Trust is built in systems of repair.
In other words, healthy relationships are not healthy because nothing ever goes wrong.
Things go wrong. We misunderstand each other. We speak poorly. We miss cues. We get defensive. We disappoint people. We even fail to live up to our own standards.
Trust is not built by creating a flawless record, because that’s impossible in the human condition.
Yes, we need to be as consistent and healthy as possible in our relationships, but his point is that trust is also built by what happens after something breaks.
Do we acknowledge it? Do we take responsibility? Do we listen to how our actions affected someone else? Do we apologize without qualification? Do we make any necessary changes? Do we follow through?
A leader who rarely (if ever) admits failure erodes trust. But a leader who says, “I shouldn’t have spoken to you that way. You didn’t deserve that. I am sorry,” is using a system of repair to create trust despite the unfortunate injury to the relationship.
As I noted above, repair doesn’t eliminate the need for consistency. It makes consistency possible over the long haul because human beings are involved.
And for purpose-driven leaders who follow Christ, there is whole ‘nother layer to all of this.
We are not managing our own reputations. We are ambassadors representing Someone. And that Someone gave us a few insights on how we are to present ourselves.
“You are the light of the world. A city built on a hill cannot be hidden.” – Matthew 5:14
“In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.” – Matthew 5:16
People experience a presentation of our faith through the way we treat them, especially when we are under pressure.
Anyone can be gracious after a good night's sleep, a successful quarter, an easy conversation, and lunch at the appropriate hour.
Character becomes visible when the conditions are less favorable. That is when patience, gentleness, kindness, and self-control matter.
And when we fail, humility matters.
The goal isn’t perfection. The goal is increasingly faithful leadership. Recognizing what’s happening inside us. Taking responsibility for what comes out of us. And choosing disciplines that help us respond well.
And when we inevitably fall short, repairing what we damaged quickly, honestly, and faithfully.
You might, in fact, be hungry, exhausted, stressed, or having an awful day. Give those realities the attention they deserve.
Just don’t give them permission to decide how you treat people.
Hangry is real. It’s just not an excuse.
Blessings to you, my friends!
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This Week’s Resource Recommendation:
"Leadership and Self-Deception, Fourth Edition: The Secret to Transforming Relationships and Unleashing Results"
- The Arbinger Institute
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MMS 26-34
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